One day I think I'm gonna write a collection of short stories based on life in an apartment building. Here's some real life ideas that may feature in the Apartment Anthology:
A Meow at the Door
A party goes on into the small hours of the Sunday morning. A couple of the party guests stand outside my front door and meow.
Do they know I have a cat? My cat doesn’t even meow. Should I let them in? Maybe they have photos of their own cats. I'd love to see them.
A Girl's Gotta Eat
A Deliveroo guy rings the apartment intercom. He holds up the bag to the monitor, it looks like there’s a substantial meal in there. Problem is, I didn’t order any food.
Do I take it?
The Curious Case of the Hot Dog Trajectory
One morning I found a raw hotdog stuck to the balcony floor.
Was it thrown up from below or dropped down from above?
Stylish Bedrooms of Australia
It's New Years Day. The top half of a man is asleep, snoring in our electrical cupboard. His bottom half is in our hallway, also snoring.
We step over him and just double check that he’s not dead and he’s gone when we get back.
I wonder what his first thought was when he woke up?
Prostitute Plumbing Pty Ltd
A girl knocks on the door with a long story about how she hasn’t slept in 5 days. Something’s keeping her up. She reckons we have a dripping tap or pipe. We walk around the apartment, crouch on the floor, listening for drips. We hear nothing.
I never did find out if she resolved the issue. I did, however, see her chatting with a local prostitute outside her own apartment early one morning.
Maybe the prostitute was a plumber on the side.
Silent Showering for Dummies
We get a new dishwasher installed. Two guys deliver it, although only one of them actually installs the dishwasher. The other is in the bathroom the whole time.
I didn’t hear him go to the toilet or use the sink. Or the shower. When they leave I do a Sherlock Holmes on the bathroom. Nothing is different.
Sometimes when there are lots of dishes stacked in the dishwasher waiting to be cleaned it stinks like a toilet.
A Great Pair (Of Eyes)
I often forget people next door can see into our apartment if the blinds are up. Which they are often.
I am often not wearing any clothes.
Tips and Tricks for Removing Cat Piss
I like to take the stairs rather than the lift. It’s my daily exercise.
I was walking behind this guy who was headed to the bins with his bag of used kitty litter. It burst. Crystals, shit and piss all over the stairs.
His head drops. I jump out at the ground floor fire exit and walk outside into the sunshine.
Fourth Floor, Carpets & Haberdashery
Someone once took the lift up to the top floor where there is only one massive penthouse apartment.
From what I can gather, the lift door opened, the person vomited all through the entrance to the penthouse, then caught the lift back down to where they actually lived, vomited a little in the lift for good measure.
It was a summer public holiday weekend so we had trouble booking a cleaner. We also had trouble breathing.
The Sweat Burglar
I sometimes have a peek inside other people’s storage cages. Why do you have that? And why is it locked up?
It’s like when people lock up their smelly gym gear in a locker. Does anyone want it other than you?
The Great Australian Dream
Every year we get a Christmas card from the real estate agent who sold us our apartment. They are high-end, glossy, nice smelling cards and he handwrites them. Or maybe his assistant writes them. While he yells over their shoulder, "Faster! Faster!!"
It’s nice to be annually reminded of the mortgage money you still owe the bank. Especially at Christmas time.